We've known our family was complete for quite some time and took "permanent" measures to do so a few months after Brax's birth.
I honestly haven't had the desire to bear more babies or go through the lovely infant-baby-toddler stage again. (though I love living vicariously through our friends!) God blessed us abundantly with the two, healthy babes we have and was gracious even through the early miscarriage I experienced between Mackie and Brax.
He gave us such a peace about being done with our two children.
So why is it so hard now - three years after we had decided that we were done... now - that my body is the one being done having babies.... now - why is it now that I'm feeling like less of a woman because I'm no longer able to bear children?
Last week's unexpected surgery caused immediate actions to take place. My doctor went in for a routine, quick surgery to remove the 3-inch cyst that had wreaked havoc on my left ovary only to find much more damage - a twisted ovary that had cut off complete blood flow to my other female parts, causing too much damage to my fallopian tubes and removing those as well.
At 31 years old, I'm left with my right ovary and uterus. That's it. I'm rejoicing and praising God for saving and protecting what I do have - thankfully I won't have to undergo hormone treatments and my body will regulate itself.
But there's a wave of disappointment and sadness, too.
Sigh. It makes no sense, I know.
It's here in the confusion that God whispers to me. I'm much more to Him than a "barren" woman.
: wonderfully made
: thoughtfully created
: His child
I didn't think I'd have these emotional strings attached to my female parts. But I did and still do. And through it all, I praise Him. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made....even in my present state.
Remember this, friends, when you don't think you're enough. When sin creeps into your heart and Satan tries to convince that you otherwise.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made!