...you meet your fellow running mama friend 2 miles into a planned 18-miler, already dripping wet from the humidity and realize you still have a looonnnggg way to go. (at 2 miles)
...you drop off your fellow running mama friend and instead of heading for a few more miles before going home for Pit Stop #1 of the long run, you immediately go home because you have to make an outfit change (at 6.5 miles).
...you throw 9:15, 9:30, shoot even 9:50 pace out the window and hope that you can even keep up a 10 min/mile pace with all the walking you're doing in between running. (at 8 miles)
....you head home for the second time for another outfit change. (at 11 miles)
...you yell at your hubs, who has graciously been pushing son in the BOB for the last mile against the 15-20 mph winds, and tell him how awful this summer has been, how awful running has been, how awful you feel because you're still not feeling like you're back on track after a surgery in April, pout, pout, pout, and get so upset you end up walking pretty much that entire mile, to which you then get upset because you let yourself get upset and slow your pace down (at Miles 12.5-13.5) - and later apologize and ask for forgiveness because you realize what a giant baby you've been and how mentally UNtough you're being right now.
...you visit your second Kwik Shop of the run for ice and water - and even better this go-round? You have daughter and her cute little bike basket alongside you to put your water/ice cup in for refreshment later. (at Mile 15)
...you finish your time with the kids, drop them off kidlets/hubs at home (they're SO thankful to leave a cranky, sweaty, stinky mama at this point), while oldest talks about how hot and tired she is for biking alongside slow mama for almost 5 miles and how she hopes daddy cranks up the AC for her and brother so they can lounge the rest of the morning in the cool house (to which mommy gets a bit envious) (at Mile 16.6)
...make two more laps in the neighborhood that usually feel like a nice warm-up on any given day, but today it feels like a marathon in and of itself - perspective, people.
I know I've been super cranky this summer. That I've made excuses. That I've had my fair share of pity parties. I'm so over this summer running-wise - it's been brutal humidity-wise. I'm so over running 16-18-20 milers that have been going on (it seems) since January, when I started training for April's OKC Marathon that didn't happen.
I know I keep talking about my body not bouncing back from surgery. About how I'm frustrated at my feels-like-a-turtle-slow pace. How I walk too much. About comparing my times to those training runs from just 5-6 months ago and the different runner I am right now. How my go-to summer races have been duds this year and I haven't felt completely strong and in control of the run from start to finish yet.
I'm sorry about that. But most importantly, I'm ashamed that I let this marathon do what so many other running races and training runs have done in the past - what I purposely did not want to happen this go-round! I've made it all about me. And not about God's glory.
So I go to His feet, seeking forgiveness for the idol that I've created in recent weeks. Seeking forgiveness from my husband and family for being cranky when things don't "go my way" like a little toddler having a temper tantrum. Digging deeper and going back to the true reason WHY I run.
I'm thankful for perspective - and for a three-day holiday weekend, where we can be refreshed, re-energized, and time to re-focus to God's glory, not mine.
This is my heart. It's my struggle right now. And I appreciate you letting me share my sinful struggles - and beyond blessed for a husband to offer me sweet conviction and a God who gives amazing grace.
To HIM be the glory! Happy running, friends!