Sunday, January 29, 2012

On My Heart and Mind

Side note: These thoughts have been mulling around in my mind lately. I've been working on this post for a while now. Bear with me!

I've had a lot on my heart and mind lately. A lot of worry, concern, fear, and anxiety. Both heart and mind are on a constant roller coaster ride with these struggles (better known as SINS!) lately. Here's a glimpse of what has been swirling around in my head and pressing onto my heart:

My boss is retiring at the end of April.

Ultimately my concerns and anxieties come from my fear of change. I hate change. I'm one who wants to go against the new social norm of having 6-8 jobs in their lifetime because I don't like change. I like comfort (who doesn't?). I like knowing the ins and outs of my co-workers - their work styles, what makes them grumpy, what makes them happy, and all about their lives outside of work (kids, grandkids, hobbies, interests, etc). We're a family right now, and our "Papa Bear" is stepping down. I worry that our new leader isn't going to be the same. That he/she won't be as family-friendly. That he/she won't agree with my current work set-up and give me the ultimatum that I'd hate to face -work full-time from the office or bust.

That then leads me to another concern and possible realization that if it does come to that, I'll choose the latter. Because my family does come first and work second. Jack has told me all along (and I agree) that he wants me working only part-time while our children are young.

That then leads me to another concern about finances. How can we make it without my small contribution to our family income? How can we provide opportunities for our children without going completely broke in doing so?

That then leads me to another concern about my job. I love my job and what God has given me to do for a living. I don't feel like it's work because I love doing what I'm doing! What in the world would I do without it?!

One worry after another. And nothing has happened yet!! It's common for me to quickly take one change and make it spiral out of control. Silly me!

Jack reassures me and tells me that they'd be crazy to not let me work part-time and continue doing what I'm doing. Other family, friends, and co-workers agree. But I'm not as confident. I keep struggling with these ugly sins of worry, anxiousness, and fear.

I find myself being drawn to the words of Job, a man who had everything and then had it all taken away. Here he speaks to the Lord at the end of the book, after all of his trials and turmoil: "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."  (Job 42:2)

God's purposes and plans for my life are constantly unfolding right before my eyes - through all of life's changes and adjustments. His sovereign plans have been in place from the beginning. What great comfort! (And stupid, silly selfishness on my part.) Thank you, God, for your living Word - and the constant refining it brings to the heart!

1 comment:

Lindsay Y. said...

Amy - as someone who has been there, done that with the jobs and lack thereof - God has provided every step of the way. It's amazing once you're in a situation like a job-loss, either self-inflicted or not, how you think back and wonder why you ever worried in the first place. You also realize that you were relying entirely WAY too much on your OWN understanding and your OWN schedule and your OWN little organized life...and not enough on HIS timing and circumstances. It's humbling and encouraging.

Like you said though, nothing has happened yet - but if/when it does, know that He will take care of you guys. He will. You may need to eat hot dogs and grilled cheese for a bit, but that's OKAY! This coming from someone who actually bought a ROAST tonight (seriously, we haven't been able to buy anything but beef for quite some time) for this weeks dinner. It's the little things. He cares about the little things.